I am fed out to here with stupid people.
A customer comes into the diner and he asked for the Norwegian salmon.
Then he wants to know if it's fresh.
I said, " Hey, chucklehead, this is Chicago.
This is not Norwegia, okay?
Nothing is fresh." Well, I shouldn't say nothing.
- Speaking of nothing, where's Bud? - Well, it's fall.
So you know another school year is beginning.
Which means your brother is upstairs trying on another persona...
...in hopes of attracting a girl.
He has as much chance of finding a date...
...as the cast of Roc does getting served at Denny's.
I can't wait to see what kind of Prince Charming...
...the little frog is gonna try to mutate into this year.
Let me guess: Billy Ray Bundy.
Damn straight, missy.
Country is in.
Well, then what country are you?
I'm going to ignore that, human peepshow.
Because this will work.
Now, I've chewed my weight in Red Man.
I've learned my country sayings...
...like "ornery" and "I thought you was 18."
So as I live and barely breathe in these jeans...
...I'll be riding the country charts tonight.
Well, I admit, it's better than last year.
Remember, he bought that wig, gained 30 pounds...
...and called himself Joey Bud-afuoco?
Peg, I must be hallucinating.
I could have swore that Yosemite Sam just passed me.
- That was Bud. - Then it must be fall.
Well, as you know, I've had a wee peck of trouble...
...finding a alternator for my Dodge.
Yes, and a deodorant that your body won't reject.
And a wife that my body won't reject.
Anyway, after painstaking research to find this part...
...a bum told me to call Irv's World of Junk...
...in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
So you know what this means? Means I'm gonna get my part.
All I gotta do is call 800-head-on.
- Welcome to Irv's World of junk. - Hey, Irv, it's Al Bundy here. I'd...
If you'd lik e these instructions in Spanish...
...press 1. For French, press 2.
Don't you love these things?
For Cajun, press 4.
And for English, press 5.
You have pressed 5. You speak English.
If your car is Swedish, press 1.
If your car is japanese, press 2.
If your car is japanese, but made in America...
...in a patronizing attempt to pretend we have a viable automobile industry...
...press 3.
What are the odds of running into a Native-American-pride parade...
...marching half a block from our house?
Bud, you're going about this all wrong.
Now, you keep trying to change the clothes that you wear...
...but what you really need is a new head...
...and while you're at it, a new body to put it on.
No. Thanks for caring, but this is it for me.
I will neither seek nor accept a date from any woman for the rest of my life.
Instead, I shall live out the rest of my days in the basement...
...as the gnome you've always said that I was.
Goodbye forever.
Gee, I feel kind of bad.
Well, honey, you were pretty hard on him.
No, I'm fine with that...
...but I think I should have told him there's no third step.
Oh, well, one less plate for lunch.
- AI, Bud is really upset. - Bud's upset? Listen to this.
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
If your car is a Studebak er, press 62.
Honey, he said that he is never dating again...
...and wants to live in the basement forever.
Sounds like a good plan. Wished I'd thought of it.
If your car is a Hudson Hornet, press 67.
Well, I guess it's time to hang this outfit with the others.
Buderace.
Thanks a lot for puberty!
I'm staying down here forever!
You hear that, family?
No, don't all come down at once now.
If you build it, he will come.
That you, Kel?
Mom? Dad?
Buck?
Oh, God.
Is this how that rainbow-wig guy got started?
If you build it, he will come.
If your car has zero to 10, 000 miles...
...press 1.
Ten to 20, 000 miles, press 2.
- Bud? - Yeah, Ma?
- What are you doing? - Building.
- What are you building? - I don't know.
- So why are you doing it? - So he'll come.
- So who'll come, dear? - Him.
I think we should call Janet Reno. She'll know what to do.
It's gonna be so wonderful, Mom.
Once he gets here, everything's gonna be much, much better.
Well, honey, if you need anything, you just let me know, okay?
Move, Kel. Back up the stairs. Back up the stairs.
If your Dodge has between 100, 000 and 200, 000 miles...
...press 11.
Two hundred to 300, 000...
...press 12.
This is all my fault.
I knew when he was a baby, I should have gotten him a proper sitter.
But, you know, Buck was right there and the price was right.
Yeah, well, I'm at fault too. When you said push him to the park...
...I probably should have put him in the stroller.
And, you know, I shouldn't have given him PEZ and said they were vitamins.
Well, I bet girls would have dated him...
...if I hadn't told everybody in school that he only had one buttock.
Well, look, don't worry, honey. One thing is perfectly clear.
Bud's problems are all your father's fault.
Al, you gotta do something about the boy.
Wait a second, Peg, I've gone this far.
In just a few more minutes I'm gonna have my alternator now.
If your Dodge is still on the road, press 1.
If your Dodge is on blocks, press 2.
If your Dodge is on fire...
...press 3.
Bud, it's 1:00. Do you wanna come to bed?
Thanks, Mom. I'm on a tight schedule here.
I see.
Well, honey, your father and I just want you to know...
...that we love you and we'll always be there to protect you from harm.
Thanks, Mom.
Well...
...I finally finished.
It's done.
What is it?
It's me.
No, it's not you.
Let's chat, shall we?
Well, what do you mean you're not me? I mean, you look just like me.
Hey, don't insult me, all right? I'm not you.
Well, actually, I'm part of you.
I'm the part of you that's cool.
Well, you're the rest.
- Well, why are you here? - Because I can't stand it anymore.
I mean, every year you trot me off to the ladies, full of hopes...
...and every year we come back with your tail between my legs.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend the rest of my life...
...down here in this basement.
So I'm here to teach you to be cool.
Mommy!
Oh, this is gonna be easy.
If you are having trouble with our automated-telephone system...
...and would lik e a live operator to assist you...
...press 0 now.
If not, this recording will begin again.
Welcome to Irv's World of junk.
Peggy, it's 2:00 in the morning.
I know, but this is an emergency. I really don't know what to do.
- I think Bud has lost his mind. - Well, Peggy, don't worry.
I'm sure all Bud needs is a man to talk to.
Where can we find one?
Al, have you seen a man?
No, but I've seen a woman who can make one sterile.
Look, Peggy, maybe you're overreacting.
You know, he's right. Maybe Bud's just going through a normal phase.
Don't talk to me that way, Bud Bundy.
Who you calling Bud Bundy?
Maybe you should just seal him up now and cut your losses.
Jefferson, go down and talk to the boy.
Why me? Why can't Al do it?
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
If your car is a Studebak er, press 62.
Well, how about Kelly?
She's working the late shift at the diner.
- It's up to you, Jefferson. - But, Marcie, he's nuts.
And he could be dangerous.
You go down there. You're the one with the million-dollar life insurance policy.
What million-dollar life insurance policy?
We'll talk later. I gotta go help out the boy.
Hi there, Bud.
Hey, your mo...
Your mother says there's a little something that's bothering you.
How about talking to old Jefferson about it?
He thinks I'm not cool.
Well, we can't have that.
Now, see here, Mr. Horsy.
Bud Bundy is a friend of mine.
You be nice to him or there'll be no oats for you.
"Please give me oats, Mr. D'Arcy.
I won't be mean to Bud anymore."
There, Bud.
I've taken care of it.
You know what I used to do when I was your age...
...and I was feeling down and out like this?
I'd get me a woman.
And we'd do it like animals in the car.
It always made me feel better.
You should try it, Bud.
Here. It's on me.
Just make sure it stays on you.
- What a moron. - What a moron.
Okay, back to cool school.
What you need to change isn't your looks, it's your approach.
Now, you listen, me.
Now, sure I've made a few mistakes with the babes...
...but I've also had my share of successes.
Well, then, let's just look at some of these successes, shall we?
Roll the tape.
Need some help?
One good turn deserves another.
I saw this movie where this mannequin came to life...
...so if you can talk, please do.
Bud.
Oh, my God.
You know my name.
Do you also know what I lik e?
Reginald Bundy, critic for The Times.
You know, I get so few chances to see films with the public.
This time I wanna watch a film exactly as the people do.
So, if you don't mind...
Well, guys, I guess you're on your own. Monique wants to go upstairs.
Later, gators.
Why can't guys be lik e Bud?
Let's face it.
We're with boys.
Bud is a man. He knows how to treat a lady.
So, what's your point?
My point is, you have no respect for women.
I mean, you treat them as objects rather than real people.
Look, I don't like it either, all right.
But sometimes, to get the babes to put out, you gotta pretend.
Now...
...I'm gonna give you one last chance.
Easy there, froggy.
Go slow. Show her what you've learned.
And above all, respect her.
Smooth move, Gilligan.
I can't stand your bumbling any longer.
Look, let's face it...
...your body isn't big enough for the both of us.
Your responses indicate...
...that you own a burnt sienna, mid-century Dodge with 800, 000 miles.
To verify this information, press 1.
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
A live operator will be with you in a moment.
Peg, a real person's gonna be on with me in a minute.
- That's nice, dear. - Help me! Help me!
- He's trying to merge with me! - I'll save you, baby.
Al, call the police.
- Bud? Do you need someone to talk to? - Mom!
Pull him off me! He's taking over, Mom!
Pull him off me!
Well, I don't know, honey. He's really, really big.
I better just go get your daddy to help me.
You hold him there. I'll be right back.
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
Operator? You're alive!
Barely, but it beats selling Time-Life Books.
Now, if you'll give me your credit card number, we'll send your part right out.
Al. Al, you have to help our son.
Not now, Peg. I got a live person on the phone here. Oh, man!
In a couple of hours I'm gonna be tooling in my Dodge.
Operator, I gotta go get my wallet.
Out of the way, woman!
Hi, Bud. How you doing?
I'm cool. It's cool.
Everything's cool...
...now.
Bud, you know, it's never too late to take vitamins.
Oh, I had my PEZ this morning, Mom.
About that PEZ...
Damn job. Damn life. Damn diner.
Daddy says never waste electricity.
- Hi, pumpkin. - Hi, Daddy.
- I got a real person. - Good, Daddy.
If you build it...
...he will come.
If you want them to build it for you...
...press 1.